Happy anniversary

Yesterday was our 8th anniversary. I can't believe it's been that long already. The time has gone by so quickly. My Grandma Gilbertson called. I was really surprised since we don't have a great relationship. I think she's really trying though. I ended up having to call her back since Curtis hung up on her. UUUGGHHHHH!!!! He loves playing with the phone and won't listen when I tell him to stop. My Grandma and Grandpa Robins called too. It was so good to talk to them. I haven't seen them since Honey Joy's funeral. I hate being so far away from my family. We've always been so close that it's hard not to see them.

That was about it for our anniversary. We did eat out alone over the week-end since mom and dad were here to watch the kids. It was the first time we've been anywhere alons since before Jenea was born, so that was nice. I really missed them though. They had a great time with Grandma and Grandpa though. They always spoil them rotten.

Memorial week-end

My parents were able to come this week-end, so that was nice. We hadn't seen them since February. They wanted to make sure they were here for Jenea's dedication on Sunday. I really wanted my Grandpa to come, but apparently me and my kids aren't special enough to warrent a trip over. I was really upset. Grandpa has participated in every one of his grandkids and great-grandkids dedications until now. Jenea is the only one he wasn't part of. THe dedication itself was great though, so it was his loss.

The rest of the day pretty well stunk. We had my parents, Brian's parents, and his Uncle Bob over for a barbecue. His mom was in a terrible mood. The deck that Brian worked so hard on didn't look good enough, she hated our church, we didn't eat early enough, Brian didn't clean the table well enough, Curtis was too noisy, Jenea was too cranky, I didn't have all the right condiments, etc . . . THe list of complaints was endless. I just can't handle being around that woman. Nothing is ever good enough for her.

And to make my week-end even worse, I went shopping for some jeans. I am SO much bigger than I have ever been in my life. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I disgust myself. So far my attempt at a diet is doing no good. I've lost no weight even though I am eating almost nothing most days. This really stinks. I just don't know how much of this I can handle before I try something more serious.

Being me

Fat, ugly cow. That's what I am. I'm so tired of it. I am just starting a diet, and I'm so bad at it. I'm afraid I'll slip back into the anorexic type eating habits. I've never tried a real diet. The scary part is, at times I want to just stop eating again. At least then I'll lose the weight. I weigh more now than wnen I was full-term with Jenea. It's been so tempting. I hate the way I look, and I know that would fix the weight issue. Of course, it won't fix the other problems. I truly wish I could afford plastic surgery to remove the flabby belly and this hideous Jay Leno chin. I wish I could just look normal. It stinks to have this bone disorder that makes me look so different.

I've fallen into a rut and I can't get out!

I'm just so sick of my life right now. Don't get me wrong, I love being a SAHM, but it's really wearing on me right now. I honestly can't remember the last time I went somewhere without the kids. I know it was before Jenea was born. My week consists of taking care ot the kids all day every day. I'm home alone all day with no car, so I literally don't get out of the house. Occasionally we go somewhere Saturday, but Brian usually won't let us because it costs to much to drive anywhere. I do get out on Sunday to go to church and do grocery shopping, but that it. My one time during the week to see something different. I don't know anyone in this neighborhood. We've been here over two years, but the people pretty much stick to themselves. Of course, I'm so shy that I can't approach people on my own anyway. There are no mommy and me groups or anything like that. I have a wonderful church, but everyone lives way out of walking distance, so that only really helps on Sunday when I get to church. My family all lives in Idaho and I only see them a few times a year. I'm literally going stir crazy. Brian is a great dad, don't get me wrong, but overall he is helpless when dealing with the kids. He either ignores them or turns everything over to me to do. When I was in the hospital after having Jenea he brought Curtis to the hospital first thing every morning and didn't leave until visiting hours were over so that mom and I could watch him. I feel like I have no support from anyone. I'm all alone and drowning with no help in sight.

What is support?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to give or receive support. Does it mean always agreeing with everything someone does? I can't really think that's true. If it is, no one would be able to support anyone. We all disagree on something somewhere. I guess the best I can come up with is that when you support someone you care about them no matter what you agree or disagree about. My best friends sometimes support me by telling me they disagree with me and why. Does it hurt? Sure it does! Who likes to be told someone thinks they're wrong. I know that my friends will care about me even when our opinions are different. Sometimes they're right, sometimes I am. Sometimes we both are. All I know is that they are always there for me. Even when I am wrong they are there to let me cry on their shoulders for a while. I hope I do the same for them. I've decided that to me support is not always agreement, but it is always care.

Precious moments

I don't know why, but I'm in kind of a melancholy mood today. I've been thinking about my kids and how fast they are growing up. I'm trying so hard to cherish every sweet moment of their childhood. It's so fleeting. I treasure those times when Curtis comes up and gives me a hug and a kiss for no reason other than that he loves me. THose moments when Jenea sees me and her face lights up with the most beautiful smile. Hearing Curtis say "I love you." Watching them while they sleep so I can marvel at how amazing they are. All too soon they will be too embarassed to kiss me. They'll want to hang out with their friends instead of their mom. They are tuly mine for such a short time. I wish sometimes that I could freeze time right here. It's such a wonderful stage in my life. To know that my babies love me completely.

Not the Mother's Day I expected

Lucky me, I got to spend MOther's Day running to the urgent care clinic. It all started Saturday night. I was nursing Jenea and she started to play with my hair as she often does. All of a sudden I felt the most incredible pain in my right eye. It felt like someone stuck a knife in my eye. I couldn't get my eye to open, so I figured I must have gotten something in it. Instinct kicked in and I rubbed at it trying desperately to get the offending item out. I finally settled enough to find Brian and ask if he could see anything in there. Well, he did. It was a fairly large scratch. It had all happened so quickly that I had no idea Jenea had scratched me. I spent the rest of the night in severe pain just praying it would feel better in the morning. No such luck. By the time I woke up it hurt even worse. And to make it worse, my eyelid was all swollen. I looked like a freak, and I couldn't see much at all. THe vision in my left eye is about 20/300, so I count on my right eye a lot. With that out of commission I was in trouble. DH took one look at me and decided to run me to the doctor. To save some money he insisted on driving to our doctor's same day clinic. We rushed there only to find out it didn't open for another 3 hours. We went to the more expensive clinic, and I was seen right away. They gave me some amazing drops that stopped the pain instantly. The doctor looked at my eye and prescribed some ointment to prevent infection, but there wasn't much else they could do. The miracle drops aren't something they can prescribe. So, I spent the rest of the night in pain. I even missed my church's Mother's Day celebration. They always give out beautiful roses to all the women. I was so upset. I's been looking forward to it all week. I do feel a bit better today. My eye is just irritated now, not the severe pain from before. Everything is still blurry though. I can't wait for my sight to get back to normal again.